How to be an Old Man

I’m in the middle of a couple of unpleasant things right now, but after writing this out in an email, I decided its better to be able to laugh about things than to wallow. So here’s a funny little anecdote for you (and apologies to those who have already heard it, but this is quickly becoming one of my favorite Stories)
So my leg was in shooting pain and my foot numb for a couple of days last week. No triggering incident, mind you – I just started having shooting pain in my leg, a swollen ankle, and numbness in my foot. My PCP referred me to an orthopedist, and in the interim, I was taking pain relievers and basically elevating my foot all night while at home. Not exactly state of the art care, mind you, but I was trying my darndest!
So on Saturday morning, I was hobbling about my apartment, puttering if you will, but mostly sitting on the couch taking in some Netflix and trying not to make things worse until I saw my orthopedist. Doc figured it is related to my back, given the fact that I have a history of back problems from my car accident years ago.
So anyway, coming back from the bathroom, I spot a squirrel on the fire escape …
Now, this is noteworthy for two reasons. The first is simply – what the actual fuck is a squirrel doing on my fire escape? That’s not a tree! There’s no snacks to sniggle from here! City life is weird. I think a rat would have surprised me less.
The second, though – I have some delightful fire escape herbs now. Parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, chives, and basil. The basil and parsley are both growing incredibly tall already, but I have noticed that the basil has been looking a little chewed on and ragged.
So as I walk back to the couch, squirrel makes his way towards outside my kitchen window. I head into the kitchen incensed, years of deer eating my mom’s azalea bushes outside our front window coming back to me. So I head to the kitchen window, and that little fucker is sitting there with his face in my GD basil! So I tap on the glass, he stops and looks at me, and I mumble some kind of curse at him. He just continues to stare at me. So, I open the window, and he moves off a bit.
At this point, I obviously need to have some kind of final threat, so I lean out the window, watching the little bastard head down the stairs and run like a coward. What should have happened next was something ominous, like “Yeah, you BETTER run Mr. Squirrel! And you tell all your squirrelly friends –  I AM WATCHING YOU!”
… instead, I leaned out the window and HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSWEEBABYJEBUS! My back!
So, backing out an a 45 degree angle from my waist to my head, I proceed to hobble around the apartment in excruciating pain in my back, my foot numb and my leg experiencing shooting pain. When I was finally able to sit, it was a long time before I was able to get up again.
But did the squirrel really win?
After all, he totally got off my lawn.

One thought on “How to be an Old Man

  1. Great scene.

    Whenever I hear of people’s pains, I think “trigger points”. But few listen. I just recently converted my wife to a believer (she thought she had arthritis in her fingers — swollen, pain, stiff; instead she found trigger points in her upper arm and it all went away).

    I have had debilitating back pain for two decades. But dealing with the trigger points allow me to get rid of the pain in a couple of days instead of weeks. And with vigilant proactivity, I have almost been free of such pain lately. My lower back pain seems to come from trigger points in the gluteus maximus.

    I have a number of other trigger points, including “carpal tunnel syndrome”, “broken bone in hand”, “teeth pain”, “shoulder pain”, and “headaches”. I have treated all of these various problems with finding trigger points though the headaches I usually just take some pain relievers.

    Basically, massage around until you find little pain knots. Then massage those for about 20 seconds at a time, several times over a day. Don’t do it too much or too hard as you’ll piss the muscles off. You want to coax them into unknotting.

    Look for them starting where the pain is, but they can be quite far away. Generally, they should be along a nerve line that goes along the pain point. The thesis (scientifically proven, medically ignored) is that some of our muscles get micro contractions (knots) and cause waste products to irritate the nerves that are in the vicinity. Get rid of the knots and the blood can clean out the irritants and the nerves stop being pissed off.

    Please try this before doing any kind of surgery. Yes, sometimes there are actual physical problems that need correcting, but unless the doctors are dead certain on what’s the cause (and they have good reputations), try trigger points. They are simple to do. And even if there is something that needs correcting, a lot of the pain, before and after correction, may be trigger points.

    Oh and warm baths (not hot) can help. Kong balls have nice buoyancy for doing massages. Of course with back pain, baths can be dangerous.

    Example site to check out

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