Tragic Impulses and the Quiet

I’m in a very familiar place right now. For some very different reasons.

I realized sometime a little over a month ago that I’m not equipped to deal with the world at the moment. Much hermitage has commenced, with a special focus on getting back to being alone, yoga-therapy, and cutting out the bad things. Trouble seems to beget trouble in my life right now, and even while hiding away from the water’s edge, I seem to have backed up a graveled bank; even my mere existence seems capable of causing ripples and splashes.

You know that thing where you haven’t seen me recently? No one has.

When I lived in Baltimore, I used gaming as a way to connect with people. Whether WoW or Call of Duty, old friends or new strangers, it seemed like the only way I could actually connect was through the limited, untouchable means of the electronic. In an internet sphere, I am witty and charming, at times even attractive. And minus the occasional “Someone Is Wrong On the Internet!” rage, I am mostly in control of the persona. Its easy to make people like you when you feed them only and exactly what they want. … Mostly cat pictures, for the record.

Since moving here, I’ve tried hard to connect with actual real people. At times I’ve felt successful, even proud, as if some new Me was emerging, same as the old Me but somehow better.

Then shit got bad again. For a lot of reasons. All of them different than the ones from before. And I ran and hid.

This is not an apology, necessarily. Although I am sad that when some of you have reached out to me in recent weeks, I have not been able to truly express my gratitude for being there. But unlike Old Me, New Me doesn’t wish to lose control. And perhaps this is a reflection of how terrible and shallow a person New Me actually is – I don’t wish to show anyone what’s going on. I don’t want to share with anyone. I don’t want anyone to see this version of me.

I’m hiding because it is my right. Whatever is going on in my life is mine to disclose or not.

I see you admiring my new shell. You can have one too, for a tragic, scarring cost.

Anyway, life is back to mostly exactly where it was a year ago. There’s a lot of time alone, a lot of yoga, and a lot of music on big nerdy headphones while walking around DC.

I’m not even sure why I am writing this, as it mostly says exactly nothing other than “I’m fine. Don’t worry. See you sometime soon.” I guess I just feel guilty not explaining the sudden radio silence. Hence this cryptic non-explanation.

Then again, maybe no one really noticed anyway.

Well if you did – I’m fine. Don’t worry. See you sometime soon.


One thought on “Tragic Impulses and the Quiet

  1. Nothing wrong with taking a bit of time for yourself when you want to. Hope things are ok.

    I don’t get out and see anyone (whether they’re taking time for themselves or not) as much as I’d like to, but here’s hoping I do see you in some way or another some time soon.

    Also I finally played a few rounds of ME3 multi-player and… we should do that together some time soon.

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