The block on my writing here stems from a courtesy, of sorts. Don’t get me wrong … so much of the enjoyable content on this blog has been commentary on the idiocy of life and people, or an unrestrained passion for such simplistic things that stink of the mundane (with an edge of believing that nothing is mundane, everything is extraordinary). But when I look back at which posts get the most hits … well, I have commented on it before. People love a good personal torment, a drama full of details and heartache and pain, and somewhere in the mix a redemption tale of my own crafting.
It isn’t actually about redemption. That’s the selfish part. Its so much worse than that.
Its really about a book. At least at the moment it is. I finally finished “The Once and Future King” tonight. And for the first time in a long while, a book made me cry. Here’s why:
I truly believe we’re all trying to do the noble, righteous thing. I truly believe I’ve known nary a malicious or evil person in my life. The tides of fate don’t actually create people intent on harming others … not without reason. And those exceptions strike so rarely as to make themselves noteworthy. Of the people in my life, I can’t think of a one who has been noteworthy in a harmful regard and sustained any form of existing in my life for more than a moment. You all know this, right? Somewhere between my insecurities and my sense of the bigger picture, I sit in a place of believing myself to be the luckiest person alive. Even at its worst … no, especially at its worst, life has granted me the opportunity to know some of the greatest, kindest, smartest, funniest, most clever, most compassionate, most loving people that might be alive today. I don’t say that by way of hyperbole – those who have spent any amount of time with me know the sincerity to which I truly believe myself outrageously lucky to know you all. If you’re reading this at all, if you’ve been granted the access to knowing this exists at all … well, you’re one of those people.
I get sidetracked so easily.
Back to the major point: “The Once and Future King.” We’re not so noble as we try to be. We are creatures driven by our passions, our loves as much as our hates. We strive for some unobtainable, undefined, indescribable perfection in life. We make our decisions based on our passions as much as our logic. The weight we give these things is perfection in the moment, and occasionally complete disaster in the outcome. We don’t intend to hurt, only to strive to do the thing that will make us feel right, to feel righteous. And sometimes, the consequence of such actions is the downfall of Camelot. Sometimes everything we aim towards some kind of personal good only ends up destroying the foundation of the community and life we’d otherwise built ourselves around. Only its worse! The consequence is not just the loss of that thing for us, but the loss of that idea for everyone else. Sometimes you can’t realize how profound the punishments will be for the choices that feel so right in the moment.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I won’t be talking about it anymore.
Here’s the way you can discuss it if you ever feel the need: Everyone is fallible. Life is significantly more complicated than we plan it to be. Everyone ends up okay in the end. Everything else is private.
Tonight I cleaned my apartment, hung out with Kir, played some video games, and worked on, planned for or confirmed the following plans: Monster Jamz (the monster truck show, not the awesome 80s rock mix), impending cases for work, impending Sith Flash Points, Veal Pistache for my birthday, homebrew meeting, yoga classes, crochet lessons, indulging in more music, trying to figure out when I am meeting Arlo, spending more time with my “nieces” and “nephews” (Emmett, Audrey, Arlo and James, Sara, Ella and Harley), preparing for inevitable bungee jumping (which I hope is not a surprise incident), figuring out which will be my next tattoo (Triforce or Rebel Alliance emblem), and over-indulging in things Beardsy has given me to enrich my life (“The Once and Future King, LCD Soundsystem).
In addition, I’m continuing down the path of making new friends (at least 4 new lesbians and a gay man in the last 72 hour), working on strengthening the friendships I established in the last year (Micah, Menendezteinenfeld and Knate will be getting the big push in the next few weeks), spending more time with the family, continuing to strengthen the inexplicable long-term friendships I have (T&K, Emmett’s parents, Cynji, Drestin, XYT to name a few), and in general keeping up with that whole mantra of “keep saying yes.”
That sentence really got away from me.
The point I’ve been trying to make is that my fear has dissolved. I think the end result is that this is who I am now. Its not just an affectation to get through or over something.
Given everything that was, I am in the best best possible place I could hope to be.
With ides come passing idle times; and new horizons are imagined, both contrived and natural. Somewhere after it all, the new dawn springs.