The act of making new friends has made me so apprehensive about using this blog. Its not that there’s been a front – life really has been good. I’m living in that state of constant amazement every day. I’ve even made strides towards rebuilding burned bridges, with the simple act of pulling over in the middle of a huffy puffy run to make sure everything is okay with people who I once counted surely as friends, and to take advice on drinking coconut water (which I bought immediately, thank you for the rec)
But I am definitely hiding parts of things. I think I want to make everyone else feel better. I want everyone to know that the worst possible scenario is not really an option.
Its always been the problem – I love recklessly, and unrequitedly. Popular sentiment would lead me to believe that we all have self-doubt. We all feel lonely sometimes.
There’s nothing profound in what I write, or what I feel, or how I live. But it feels profound, because no one else I know expresses it. The failing is, as always, on me. People are not meant to regurgitate these sorts of things. We tamp it down and hope and pray that it will pass. And for most, it does. But why should I feel insecure for feeling and expressing this way? There may be an entire unspoken judgment on how I choose to express, but I like to believe that someone appreciates it and likes that I do it.
I think that’s why people love music – someone expresses, though lyric and sound, the precise emotion you feel at that time. Its why we all collect so much music – a song for every emotional timbre. At the end of my days, I hope to be able to express myself purely through playing a series of songs to my loved ones. Right now I feel “In the Morning of the Magicians.” Earlier I was feeling “Bedouin Dress.” Later I will probably feel “Surf Wax America.”
I lean back to think about what to write next, and my cat, sitting on the back of my chair, begins to nuzzle my head. What is unrequited love, truly? Who really needs who?
Gatorfan Chris wants a dog. I told her I am seriously considering getting a dog myself. She said, “Dogs are like nature’s cockblock. You’ll always have something to get home to.” I thought about that for a while, decided there is some future where I will be available and want to have all the free time to be on dates or something. I was sure she was right.
Today I put on my sunglasses on my walk home from the Metro because LCD Soundsystem made me sad and all I could think of was Maddy, and tears were close to flowing. I’m sure you don’t know, but Maddy is the perfect, most insecure and neurotic and anxious dog ever. When I see her, rarely now, she still remembers me, and wiggles and squeals and wags and simply loves to see me. I am always afraid she going to pee in her excitement. I resolved to myself today: who cares?! Being with someone else is not all its cracked up to be! I have friends who I love and who love me as much as they can be expected to. I have no hopes of being worthwhile to someone else anymore – life has shown me otherwise. Why not the Spinster’s life?! A dog and a cat, perhaps? Or why not more? To know the love of another being, even if only through a need for my feeding and walking and changing of litter and being around? What’s wrong with wanting to be appreciated just for being around?
I made dinner tonight for the Bohlins. Mid-risotto, I got a call. I was needed. And I don’t want to overplay it – I wasn’t needed, I was available. It’s no specific version of me or what I offer that was needed, but I was there when someone was in need. And on some level, that felt decent
I’ve always been one to tell people how much I appreciate them and why. Recently, my friends have begun doing this too. The cynic in me thinks they’re reacting to my obvious need. But on some level I’m starting to see that we all really do need one another. Whether we express it easily or not, the love we feel for one another is based on some level of realizing how deprived we’d be without one another. Or realizing, in a moment, how lucky we are that they were there when we really needed them.
Maybe someone will actually need me some day. Or maybe people already do, and I’m just too blind to see it.
Its all helping. Like I said, there’s a lot of front being put up. Whatever they say about me, I hope they will also say that I tried very hard to be there for the people I loved. Even if that love wasn’t needed.