I don’t know if I have said this enough, to enough people. Maybe I’ve said it too much, and the value of the words has somehow been lost from its frequency and insistence. Maybe it has been transparent, an attempt to convince others to make them not worry. But the ebbing and flowing happens less frequently now, with less strength. I am not as oft pulled out into the surf, tossed about like the flotsam of the universe and washed ashore on some unfamiliar beach. I think a storm has mostly passed, or perhaps I am simply learning to swim.
So one last word on the whole matter. Something that, until this week, I don’t think I truly believed. Merely a hope, a wish. But now it is Truth:
Everything is going to be alright.
The job continues to amaze me. I am slowly gaining that confidence I need to feel like I am not outclassed and outgunned by things like degrees and experience. On some inherent level, I truly belong here. It has occasionally shown through, not only to myself but to my coworkers and my supervisors. I think the fit is remarkable. And the work itself – I am infatuated. Borderline bragging when I tell people about it in person. I leave here on many days feeling like I’m doing some actual good. That has been at the very core of my professional existentialist search for many years now. So much paid and lost on this journey, but the value of such contentment cannot be weighed easily against anything. It simply fills up a part of me that has been mostly empty for a long time – the part where I want to feel like what I do for a living matters.
I had a $20 credit with Amazon for buying Portal 2, so I blew it on Saints Row 1&2 Super Extra Value Meal Pack Combo Assortment! This was a crap shoot, but cost me only my Amazon credit, an attempt at filling the void before L.A. Noire hits next week (and PS clerk chick at Gamestop at the mall – FOR THE FIFTEENTH FUCKING TIME, NO I DON’T WANT TO PREORDER ANYTHING ELSE TODAY. NO YOU ARE NOT ENTICING ME BY MENTIONING 30 GAMES ALL RELEASING THIS YEAR! YES, YOUR COWORKER WAS ROLLING HER FUCKING EYES AT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK AFTER THE 7TH TIME I SAID NO! Thank you for this reminder of why I order my games through Amazon.) At any rate, despite the fact that one of the first missions of the game was riding in a sewage truck being driven by a French Mime gangster and spraying people, restaurants, and corporate sculpture with feces …. I just can’t seem to get into Saint’s Row.
Anyway, this has lead to a larger contemplation, one which assaults people through my various forms of over-sharing (Gchat, Twitter, Buzz, Texting, Emails, even (gasp) Personal Contact). I think the way I just phrased it with VTFanboy may present my best understanding of the thing. I spent so many years focusing on my career – school, internships, jobs, clerking, applying, the bar exam – I didn’t even realize the extent to which that was one of my primary drives over the last 5 years. Now I am at this aforementioned place of contentment with the job, and all of those drives and energies can be more evenly spread. And I’m finding that there is a certain level of discontent with how I am using my free time.
I spend a lot of time at home, alone, reading a book or watching a TV show or playing a video game. And for years, that was enough, especially when I lived with someone else and it almost felt like socialization to do some of those things. Now, though – they feel like empty calories. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still an inherent value to doing each of those things at certain times in certain ways. But they’re not enough. Not for me. Not right now. Not anymore.
I don’t know if I want to make any proclamation of some major life changes. Like with The Schism, the only way to handle this is to take things one day at a time.
So tonight, after a 9 year hiatus (minus a few sessions at home that involved Kir charging me every time I did downward facing dog) – tonight I am taking up Yoga again.
I am looking for ways to like myself. To like my life. I started looking into two vacations. One for a nearby getaway with friends, one to a place far, far away. And I think I am going to start brewing beer again as well.
I guess I didn’t realize how far away from me my life had gotten. I was so focused on so many other things for so long. So now, its time to start taking some of that back.
It’s time to find some inner peace. Some happiness.