I promised The Mole I would write again. The problem recently has not been one of lacking inspiration. If nothing else, my life in its current stage is full of contemplation, some quiet and some not. But I am still struggling at times to make things work. There’s an obvious loneliness in being alone, but that passes with the varied breezes of dinners and trivia with the neighbors, drinks with friends, ventures back into cooking, explorations of the neighborhood with my headphones secured (my coworker refers to this as her “Leave Me the Fuck Alone on the Metro” headphones), finding my way at work …. the loneliness of being solitary tends to only last briefly.
But the true impediment to writing, or wanting to write for an audience anyway, comes from the alienation. This is not some imposed societal exiling. Its a Holden Caufield kind of state of mind. I am in a (thankfully) rare situation for now, and I feel I have asked too much of too many already. I feel like a walking manifestation of sadness at times, unable to control when the melancholy will set in, asking my friends to listen to things too large and too uncomfortable and too profound for the situations in which they arise. My friends, naturally, have been nothing but gracious and loving and giving and supportive and there for me. Its not an issue of that.
Its more like I feel a constant light shining down on me. A neon sign saying “AWKWARD” or “FAILURE.” Some sense of not fitting in with the world around me right now.
That’s a different kind of loneliness, full of things I do not wish to be bringing into other people’s lives.
It is, of course, not always this way. Last night was as blissful an evening as I can remember. Rooftop grilling and coors light cans and tales of failed hookups and general guy teasing and wit and banter. It was the first time in a long time I have thought so fondly of my days in the frat, of feeling like a part of something larger. A community. A sense of normalcy runs through my veins in times like this. A sense of that everything truly is okay.
So to return to normalcy, and to provide myself with some footing, some concrete reminders of things I still enjoy, I am going to try to get back to writing, both of the blog variety and of the heavier variety.
I’m at a point right now where its tough to know who I still get to call a friend. I hope people will take a moment to just say hello on here.
All of that said, let me say that Chiggs was my favorite person in the world yesterday. I asked him to add the new Panda Bear to my pending order, and he said, “Man, that order already shipped, dude.” Or something to that effect. So I traipse down the stairs to find a big-ass package of records waiting for me at the front door! I felt like it was Friday at the radio station, and set to work giving each album a spin. And while every single record in this batch is fantastic(though Cut Copy didn’t come with a digital download, in case anyone can steer me in the direction of obtaining such a copy), the standout winner by far is the Sufjan Stevens “Age of Adz” album. Or as Rudesy calls it, “Kid S.”
Do yourself a favor and obtain this album by whatever means necessary – all of the melodic kindness inherent in Sufjan music, but with the most delightful use of computers! At times it reminds me of Dntel or even Postal Service, with a lovelorn saccharine sweetness that never goes too deep nor too vacantly cliched. Put on some headphones and let this album surprise and impress you.
As for the rest, I expect Telekinesis will be my go-to summer album, much like the now-maligned Harlem was last year.
In other news, it has come to my attention that Henri may have a crush on me. The other night I borrowed a ladle. He came over to get the ladle, but he left aluminum foil. He came for the aluminum foil, but he left a bib. He came back the next day to get the bib, but he left the digital download cards I gave him. I expect when he comes over for those, he’ll likely leave something else of middling importance, like an umbrella, or a glass slipper. Any excuse to come and see me…
Other things of note:
- I now make excellent cole slaw and Carolina BBQ, and think this will be my summer pot luck bbq contribution
- Dragon Age 2 involves hundreds if not thousands of exploding corpses
- Wise Man’s Fear (follow up to Name of the Wind) has me completely tickled despite some ridiculous inanities involving a sex goddess
- The Magicians continues to be a profound impact on my contemplative life – everyone should read this book
- I need a Portal 2 co-op buddy!
- There’s such a thing as a Meat Draft, which is run like a fantasy sports draft (which is run like a real sports draft, I would assume, so I am not sure why everyone used the fantasy sports draft analogy – “This thing is sweet like artificial sweetener!”) At any rate, I would like to get people in on a meat draft sometime this summer, and not pass on the sweetbreads!
Guess that’s it for now. Purely on my own I discovered this great show about Texas football, and I am going to go watch another 10 episodes.